Wednesday 10 October 2012

giving or receiving, which do you prefer?



I read it in Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz (p. 84) and it smacked me right between the eyes:
"I love to give charity, but  I don't want to be charity."

I knew the moment I read it that his comment describes me too much of the time.  I would rather be the one giving.  I would rather be the hero.  I would rather think my way into believing that I don't need - that I have so much to give.

How foolish.

Whenever I consider myself to be in the "giving" role more than the "receiving" role, I have blinders on.  Not only is that perspective naive, it is arrogant, ugly and completely mistaken.

I am constantly in need.  Why is that so difficult to admit?  I am continually on the receiving end of grace, mercy, and love, every moment of every day.  How could I think otherwise?

I have not earned this life.  I have not earned the love of my family, friends or my Creator.  I have not earned my health.  I have not earned my birth place in Canada.  I have not earned my freedom.

All of these things have been GIVEN to me.

ALL THAT I HAVE TO GIVE, HAS FIRST BEEN GIVEN TO ME. 

ALL IS GIFT.

There is one specific instance where I distinctly remember REFUSING CHARITY....and ultimately refusing a chance at deeper friendship.  It is an occasion I have regretted ever since, and although I asked forgiveness of this friend, it remains to me a painful and powerful lesson about the importance of receiving.

I was a mess!!  I was flat on my back, hurting with back pain and trying to cope with a newborn baby, a 14 month old, and a 3 year old. My lovely neighbour arrived at my house one day with a meal in her hands and a casual "I've come to clean your house."  She was exuberant.  But instead of being overjoyed and  accepting her offer with gratefulness, I refused her with a sort-of joking but overly harsh: "You are not cleaning my house!"  And that was it.

Her countenance changed.  Her excitement fizzled into politeness.  In that moment, a budding friendship was halted because I refused her gift.  The joy that both of us could have experienced, her in giving and me in being super spoiled by such a caring gesture of friendship, was lost.  

I could spend all day trying to justify my refusal:  Why should she have to work so hard?  Her offer was too generous to accept.  Such a kind thought but I'd be fine on my own.  

THE TRUTH WAS,  I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH MY PRIDE. 

I didn't like that I was needy.  I didn't want someone else to have to do my dirty work.  

No, I wanted to be strong, capable and in control.  I didn't want to be laying on my back in pain....I DIDN'T WANT TO BE CHARITY. 

These days, I'm learning to say it out loud.......to caste aside my pride and declare:

I WANT GRACE.  I WANT CHARITY.  I WANT TO BE LOVED.  I WANT MERCY. 
I WANT GIFTS THAT I HAVEN'T EARNED.  I WANT TO RECEIVE. 
 I WANT TO BE FILLED TO OVERFLOWING.

And then, the outpouring of my love to others will be fragrant with humility and a beautiful understanding of ALL THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME.

THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR BEING THE ULTIMATE GIFT -------- I WANT ALL OF YOU, ALL DAY LONG, EVERY DAY.



(And Hope, if you read this.....please know that although I apologized to you long ago, I have never forgotten this lesson and I have worked very hard since then to remember that  IT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT TO GRACIOUSLY RECEIVE AS IT IS TO GENEROUSLY GIVE.  And I promise to accept if you should ever offer to clean my house again!!!  oxoxox) 

I invite your comments and reflections in the comment area below.

words and images © melody armstrong 2013













5 comments:

  1. Oh Melody! You made me cry. I knew you felt this way, I just knew it! I want you to know that moment never halted anything for me. My approach that day was simply too much - you were in pain, exhausted and still recovering from childbirth - you get to cut yourself some slack under those circumstances Superwoman! However, the fact that it gave you pause to think, to recognize that you too are worthy of being cared for, not always being the one caring for, was the bigger gift. He works in mysterious ways. I think this is a struggle for both you and I to accept, we are both givers just by nature and being on the receiving end is unfamiliar and exposes vulnerabilities that I know I work especially hard at keeping to myself. He is never done with us! I love your blog - your words soar........

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  2. Thank you dear Hope. I love you. -Melody

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  3. Wow, a lesson to be reminded of because so many women (me being one), who constantly give, really do need to learn how to receive...and receive gifts that are out there to bless us and in turn, blesses the other!

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  4. Thanks for sharing another great post. I look forward to all you posts Melody. It really is a gift to a person who is givng when their gift is received graciously. It's funny that I just picked up a little gift for you before I read your post. God must want you to practice receiving - which you do richly deserve!

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  5. Dear Tracy: yes....i love the way it circles around and around....this process of giving and receiving...blessing and being blessed. When you think about it, you cannot give unless you have someone to receive. I wonder how often God is waiting for us to receive his gifts too. thanks for your comments.

    Chantal love: thank you, too for your comment. I'm so honored that you are following my posts and enjoying the gift that arrives in your inbox :) .........and a gift for me.......LOVE IT. Can't wait to see you.

    Thank you girlfriends for your precious and cherished friendships. Love you BOTH sooooo much.

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I invite your comments and thank you for journeying with me.