a hard look at me

 I took this shot yesterday afternoon on my way home.  I didn't stop for a self portrait.  In fact, the whole reason I pulled over was because of "the red barn" - a favourite landmark I pass driving to and from my house.  It is so old and tired, barely standing, but somehow still beautiful --especially yesterday, cloaked in the bright dazzle of winter sunshine. I stood on the fence so that I could shoot as much of the barn as possible.

And then from the corner of my eye,  I see the image that I hadn't stopped for, the surprise beauty, the shadows, the lines, the patterns....and ME, right there as a part of it all.

Life, even abundant life, is so strange and full of paradox....that there is beauty in the shadows, and patterns in the random chaos of a day....that what I come for, thinking I need, is so seldom what I leave with...that I see so much more in places I'd never even thought to look at first.  I see Him, the true Beauty and Wonder of it all.  And I see me, off to the side, looking for ways to capture Him on the lens of my heart, yet struggling still.

There is much about me in this portrait that you can't see.  You can't see that I'm wearing a wool toque because I didn't bother trying to fix my bed-head from this morning, or that I have no make up on because I'm miserable and I just don't care.  You can't see that I'm snowed under with feelings of self-pity because I have a lousy cold, a running nose, a headache, a cough, and because I really just want to go to bed (just as soon as I take these photos!!)  But what really makes me feel worse than anything is knowing that I'm feeling sorry for myself when a boy on my son's hockey team has a mom and a sister both being treated for cancer...when a neighbour just lost her young niece to the same disease...when a homeless man I know is out in this cold somewhere trying to get through another day...when there is so much excruciating hurt and pain and sorrow in this world. And beauty. When there's so much exquisite beauty in the mix.

I resign myself to the fact that I'm lost for words again.  I can't seem to express the deep knowing --of God's grace and ultimate goodness-- that resides at the core of who I am.  My words just trip and tumble and land flat today.  And maybe that's okay.


        p.s. here are the pictures I stopped for in the first place.

photos and text © 2012 Melody Armstrong

"reach into the waiting"

I'm shivering and smiling under extra blankets because I've swung wide the door to winter.  I do it because I want to drink in as much of this view as I can.  

 

While the fire blazes hot beside me, a cool mountain wind is an unexpected but invited guest.  It has echoed along the valley past tunnel mountain and blown itself right through my door and up into the sloping rafters of my room. 

 I don't mind this guest. I just furrow in a little deeper, listen to the fire's breathy crescendos and decrescendos and watch flame-shadows dance pink across my page.

All is music

All is symphony

All is praise to the Holy One - Jesus

for Whom I wait

from whose mouth come

the cool winds and warm flames

that blow across my life.

I can be cold and warm...content with the change and uncertainty.  I can trust Him with the seasons of me that don't make sense.  I can "reach into the waiting," LETTING MY SOUL TRAVEL THE DISTANCE TO STILLNESS, where I bow before my everlasting King and offer Him my humble gift of everything.

(a special thanks to Judy McVean whose phrase "reach into the waiting" has not left me since I read it.

For a thoughtful reflection on this most precious advent season, please follow this link to Judy McVean's honest and revealing blog SeeingSacred. http://seeingsacred.blogspot.ca/2012/12/small-things.html  )

(photos and text © 2012 Melody Armstrong except where otherwise cited.)

You are winter

"...And everything in time 

and under heaven

Finally falls asleep

Wrapped in blankets white, all creation

Shivers underneath...

...And still I notice You

When branches crack

And in my breath on frosted glass

Even now in death,

You open doors for life to enter

YOU ARE WINTER."

-Nichole Nordeman's song Every Season

what's on your wish list this Christmas?

breath of heaven

i felt it on my cheek

His grace - like a breath

and i stood 

motionless in the woods

with my eyes wide open

and my heart wide awake

and my soul's arms wide stretched

emptied for the filling

that follows

my silent 

plea.

Photos and text ©2012 Melody Armstrong

pieces of home

...on a warm, winterish day 

when words aren't enough

to show a heart 

spilling over

with thanks 

for 

simple abundance 

i reach for the lens

 in search of beauty 

and find it

up close

Words and images © 2012 Melody Armstrong

even laundry is worth a smile

I was so irritated with him, this tall one -- taller than me -- who was supposed to be in trouble, who was supposed to feel miserable folding laundry while the others were out in the snow, who was being punished and still finding a way to make it fun.

But irritation only lasts so long.  I had to give in and laugh.  He always finds a way to make me laugh - just the way his dad does, even when I'm irritated (especially when I'm irritated). 

How can folding laundry be so messy and fun? Is he really wearing a full laundry basket on his head?  

How can work invite so much play and silliness,

 so much....that it falls out and around like laughter??

and when did I start caring that the towels were folded perfectly - and in an orderly manner....and stop seeing fun in work??

Again....reminded how I'm forever

 needing new eyes for a new

way of seeing.

you know its been a good day when......

...DIRT ON YOUR FACE IS JUST AN ADDED BONUS!!!!

I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR MY KIDS WHO ALMOST ALWAYS HAVE THE

RIGHT PERSPECTIVE ON STUFF THAT REALLY MATTERS!

You guys R the BEST!!!!!!

xoxo

everywhere I turn...

".....don't you find it remarkable, Katy, that the whole world can be involved in this madness we call war, and all the while the flowers and the bees and the seasons keep on doing what they must, wise but never weary in their wait for humanity to come to its senses and remember the beauty of life?" 

                            -The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton (p. 378)

photos © melody armstrong

note to self.....

maybe another image for my journal???

After the week we've had around our house, I felt like someone could have posted this sign for me -- kinda perfect in a quirky sort of way.  Just thought I'd share.

photos © melody armstrong